Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Guest Blogger - Medieval Furball

My mother has gone out to the library again to get more obscure books on women's bodies. While I don't find this even remotely as worthwhile as, say, petting me for two hours and feeding me bits of turkey, someone has to bring home the bacon and it might as well be her (I don't do windows, teaching, or taxes).

So, today, I have hijacked her computer, stolen her credit card number, and am purchasing government-grade hydroponically grown catnip (smuggled into the country in little Krishna figurines), changing all of her display settings, free-basing Tender Vittles, and downloading compromising pictures of Rush Limbaugh (just kidding on that last one, folks - ew!).

I'm shocked at the amount of spam on her computer - seriously. It seems like planes are going down all over the place, taking out childless dictators from small African nations - if I was a billionare, I would never fly again. But there were a couple who looked legit so - as I've also been catching up on some of mom's e-mail correspondence - I went ahead and sent some of these honest folks her name, address, social security number, and bank account information so that we can get our 17 million dollars and I can get that multi-level kitty condo I've had my eye on (only $179.95 at Petco!)...

I've also been catching up on my news - while I was going to comment on "Foleygate" and the fact that George W. continues to prove himself to be a massive weenie, I thought I'd point out a couple of stories that might have fallen through the cracks:

Pooches' Parents Get Pissy - now this is just ridiculous and confirms what complete suit-happy litigation junkies you bi-peds have become. Let's just get this straight: you work for us, not the other way around. I would never degrade myself by scratching on command (although I will lick myself in awkward places at one of your dinner parties).

Other bits of cheesy cat trivia - my mom thinks these stories are cute and uplifting in a world full of cynicism and stress. All I can say is, this is why I don't travel!

Well, I must log-off now - I have a full day ahead of me (sleep, eat, knock over recently re-potted Christmas cactus, sleep, eat...). If there isn't some sort of deli-meat forthcoming tonight I will retaliate by either:

a) tripping mom on the stairs as she goes down to the laundry room
b) smothering her as she sleeps with the sheer vastness of my furry bod (I do resemble an oil-slick when I sit down).
c) deleting her documents with a well-placed paw on the keyboard
d) leaving a hairball in her brand-new aubergine suede Mary Jane pumps! (that she can't afford and should never have bought but they were just too awesome...)
e) all of the above

Sooner or later she'll give up the goods because I am like the Borg and Resistance is Futile...

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At 1:40 PM, Blogger Hilaire said...

Well. I just have to say that your photograph nicely communicates your mischievous personality - but also your cuteness. I can see why she loves you, even after all this harassment!

At 2:56 PM, Blogger medieval woman said...

Thank you, Hilaire! Mom always tells me what an awesome bloggy friend you are - and such good taste....I am available for worshipping and burnt catnip offerings 24/7, just in case you were wondering...

At 8:50 PM, Blogger HeoCwaeth said...

Medieval Furball,
Easy on those Tender Vittles. I knew a cat once who found herself in a compromising situation with a chihuahua after a few too many Vittles.

Also, very pretty eyes.

At 11:15 PM, Anonymous Carrie K said...

An oil slick, indeed! I would definitely do something to those Mary Janes for that slur.


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