Monday, March 12, 2007

An Open Letter to One of My Classes:

Dear Younglings,

There are several reasons why I will not be destroying you all with my giant Death Ray after your pathetic performance in class this afternoon. I mean, it was like looking out onto a sea of warm, slightly lumpy Gummie Bears...

You have been spared my wrath for the following reasons:

1) I'm now drinking a large glass of wine (before cocktail hour!) and the murderous frenzy I was in before has been diluted to MEDWOMCON LEVEL 2: "Extreme Annoyance"

2) There is still leftover Mexican food in the fridge for dinner and annihilating comatose students on an empty stomach gives me indigestion.

3) Your parents might complain about losing their children. But, on second thought, is it really my responsibility to stand between unprepared students and their Rightful Doom.

4) If I zap you all into oblivion now, who will bring me frosty Coke Zeros and Twinkies when I take over the world?

5) There is a big, furry cat planted in my lap and I can't reach my Death Ray button at the moment.

For all these reasons, you have been spared...for now. But, in the famous words of the wise, ancient philosophers: "You can't tempt fate forever!" If this continues, I will set my phasers on "charcoal briquette"...

Do your reading - I'm actually serious when I put something on the syllabus - it's not just a guideline.

Talk in class - You are all too heavy for me and your two loquacious classmates to carry. Not that I haven't tried.

I know you can do better - I've had good classes with you before. Let's return to that happy time - just until the end of the semester!

Megalomaniacally yours,

Prof. Medieval Woman

P.S. To the dude who asked if he could still hand in his paper over two weeks late "once he gets around to finishing it": you are no longer useful to my Master Plan. Expect a kind letter of dismissal from me with a bomb in it tomorrow at 3:45 pm.

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11 Comments:

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Pilgrim/Heretic said...

Hee... #1, #5 and the P.S. made me laugh out loud.

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger Earnest English said...

Very kind to warn them actually. Really, I'm very capable of stumbling toward the death ray with the cat in one arm and the wine bottle in the other!

The PS made me laugh out loud too. "Get around to it," indeed! What if you just take your sweet time with flunking him?

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger jb said...

Ahhhh I feel your paaaainnnnn.....

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger History Geek said...

5) There is a big, furry cat planted in my lap and I can't reach my Death Ray button at the moment.

Cats, while the perfect villain accessory, really can be a hazard. Mine constantly keeps me from the 'smite' key.

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Hilaire said...

Welcome to March...the bane of a teaching academic's existence, right?

This was a hilarious post! I laughed and laughed!

 
At 1:25 AM, Blogger Flavia said...

Hilarious. I love my Death Ray, but there ARE so many things that impede its usage...

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger squadratomagico said...

~snort!~ I hope you made the late paper guy tremble before your wrath a little before the cat and the wine got to you.

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Morganlf said...

I HATE it when people turn in papers that late.

 
At 11:32 PM, Blogger Bardiac said...

Spring break can't come quickly enough!

ps. I was wondering where my smite button had gotten to...

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger medieval woman said...

Thanks to all of you for your comments! I have to teach the class again today for 2 hours (although we're going over a different book) and I'm HOPING I won't have to bring my "smite" button along!

The good thing about my Death Ray is that it's portable...

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger Another Damned Medievalist said...

*is laughing very hard*

 

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